Tuesday night on the Wattpadres chat on Twitter, we all had a great time talking about horror and the things that terrify us. (A number of people also met an untimely end at the tiny jaws of vicious dust mites…who would have thought the dust mites would end more people in the haunted house than the zombies, vampires, and werewolves combined!)
One of the questions was what terrifies us most. Personally, I find the subject of fear intriguing especially since fear can limit and shape us in ways we don’t anticipate. For quite awhile now, I’ve practiced the Month of Fear, which has become the Year of Fear. I try to do at least one thing that makes me uncomfortable or afraid or at least pushes me out of my comfort zone every day. On the whole living in fear is something that I don’t believe to be biblical, healthy, or wise. So, since I am trying to live consciously and fully, I attack my fears and discomfort when I can.
Initially in my challenges, I chose fears that I could confront and that negatively impacted me in some way. My fear of cameras and having my picture taken was connected unfortunate incidents, bullying, and more. In confronting that fear, I attempted to tackle something that held me back and to not be hypocritical when I tell my amazing students and mentees to be bold and courageous.
Then I started to wonder about other fears. The deeper fears. The ones that really shaped me. True, my uneasiness around spiders and men with blue eyes have shaped part of who I am and came from specific incidents. My camera and mirror avoidance has resulted in certain consequences. But there are other fears…the kind that truly send chills through me and that actually change my behavior in more meaningful ways.
So what do I fear…deep down…it isn’t death. I know where I’m going and that it is but a transition. But a living death of the mind, whether my own or of others, that is horrifying. Particularly when it is multiplied.
I am terrified of being delusional, of losing my capacity to think or respond, and of being trapped in mass hysteria (doesn’t matter whether I’m part of it or am someone aware of it, it’s all terrifying). I value my mind and my independence. I love being able to think and break things apart to see how they work and understand them better. I hate being wrong, but I will take being wrong if I can still think, reason, and understand.
So…should I be tackling those fears? Targeting these core fears seems far more difficult. In fact, I don’t even know how one would begin to put oneself in those situations or whether those are fears that one necessarily wants to lose.
Fear can serve a purpose and be valuable. My fear of losing my own mind and mental capacity as well as being caught up in mass hysteria propels me to take care of my mind, conduct my own research, and remain aware. In this case, the fear is not so much crippling as it is cautionary. True, sometimes it takes unhealthy forms. When I go into a room, I’m almost always considering an escape route of some time. And if I’m stuck in a hall with lots of people or waiting in a long line (like at an amusement park), I do sometimes wonder about what would happen if some catastrophe struck such as the zombie apocalypse or a rabid wolf or a fire. It’s the same thing that happens when I’m sitting in a tunnel in my car, waiting for traffic to move along and wondering what the solution would be if water started spraying through the bricks. (Social etiquette point here: don’t share these thoughts with anyone around you unless you’re certain they’ll find it just as intriguing as you.)
Perhaps this is why I enjoy psychological horror stories as opposed to straight up monster movies as well as my general preference for complex strategizing villains. Maybe in a small way I am confronting that fear.
Regardless, I don’t plan on confronting my fear of losing my mind or being trapped in a violent mob or hysterical crowd. I think I can live with those fears. But I may see about researching possible survival methods and strategies, and I’ll continue to do what I can to keep my own mind healthy and aware.
One of my side jobs that I love the most is tutoring students in writing. I love working with young writers and fanning that flame into something more. And today I was reminded why I love it so much.
About seven in the morning, an essay arrived in my inbox that made me tear up. One of my particularly gifted students wrote about the most powerful relationship in her life, and she chose books. Through the essay, she described how the Harry Potter series drew her into the magical world of reading and how it changed her. She now loves reading and writing because she can experience so much more. Her friendships with fictional characters feels as rich as that with regular people.
I saw so much of myself in that essay. For those of you who are wondering, no, it wasn’t a perfect essay. But it was one of the few times a student poured her heart into an assignment. And it was beautiful. Even though she wants to be a microbiologist when she grows up, her passion and excitement bled through those 500 words. I’ve never been prouder of a student.
Fictional characters have been as near and dear to me as flesh and blood friends. I always loved reading, but the books that pulled me into the fictional world unlike any other were The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings. After that, the possibilities of the imagination seemed limitless. There’s something so powerful about a well written book. It doesn’t just tell you a story. It transports you to a new world with characters you come to love and cherish so much.
So to all the writers out there pouring themselves into their stories, thank you. You make our lives richer. And to the readers who are willing to jump into these stories, you make it even more fulfilling.
Really, I should be taking pictures of all this. After all, pictures make stories more interesting, and there’s been some funny situations today. It’s time like this when I am most grateful James and I run our own law firm. It allows me to stay in our home office and handle the paperwork, phone calls, legal writing, and so forth as well as the copywriting business, the tutoring, and fiction writing. But more importantly, it lets me make cheesecakes for the WCCC Valentine’s Day Dinner.
Last year, I made 16 cheesecakes for the event (a few more when you add in the ones that didn’t make it). We’re doing the same four flavors (white chocolate, chocolate truffle, salted caramel, and Lindy) this year, and I’ve got a few more cheesecakes to make because we’ve added a third seating. (And if you’re in the area, sign up! It’s going to be an amazing night. Tiffany is making lasagna, and I’m making cheesecake. Both are from scratch.) This year I’m making at least 20 cheesecakes, maybe 24 if there’s enough ingredients. When the Valentine’s Day dinner weekend completes, we sell the cheesecakes off by the slice.
The wonderful thing though is that I have not had one cheesecake turn out badly this round through. Last year, about five cheesecakes were ruined. Two just didn’t turn out right. One was disfigured, and so we shared it with the youth staff as a sample. And two others turned out to be kitty snacks as all four cats broke into the back porch and chowed down on salted caramel and Lindy cheesecakes. Obviously, I was not a happy pet owner.
But this year the back porch is more secure. The temperature and the atmosphere are perfect for creamy cheesecakes. Plus using the name brand ingredients actually makes a difference. I have always used generic cream cheese because that’s what was most affordable. But this time we went to Sam’s Club to pick up our ingredients. They only sold Philadelphia cream cheese in bulk, and the bulk per pound price was significantly cheaper than the generic brand. I can’t remember how much exactly, but it was at least 40 cents cheaper a pack. Now, of course, I have to measure out and cut off how much cream cheese I need. It isn’t quite as convenient as the ready sealed packets. But it’s worth it for the savings. And oh! The batter is so much smoother. The cheesecakes set up better, and I taste the difference. I did a blind sample with James, and he was able to tell the difference as well.
I suspect that the Lindy cheesecake may have the clearest distinction in flavor because it has such a clean and crisp flavor to begin with. There’s no white chocolate. No caramel. No milk chocolate. No dark chocolate. Just cream cheese, sugar, and some lemon juice. Now, for clarification’s sake, it’s not that cheesecakes made with the generic cream cheese aren’t tasty. But I do think that the name brand has the edge.
So today has been good. Four cheesecakes are done. A fifth is in the oven. I also came up with a solution for the extra batter in the bowl. I learned the hard way that mixing two batter sets really doesn’t blend as well. Flavors work just fine, but it creates a gumpier batter. And for a nice romantic dinner, we want to avoid that look. But I can’t bring myself to waste it. So what I decided to do was make mini cheesecakes in muffin tins. I made about a dozen from the leftovers from today alone. They aren’t as pretty as the full cheesecakes, and I need to tweak the baking time. They’re more of a pain to make too, but it’s worth it to avoid wasting the delicious batter.
I’m debating staying up later tonight to finish off a few more cheesecakes. The weather changes again tomorrow, and I have no idea how well it’s going to work tomorrow. Still…I’ll need to sleep sometime. As far as writing going, I haven’t gotten as much done today as I would like. I’m still working on the tax paperwork, invoicing, and a couple legal briefs. Fortunately, there was no copywriting today and only one essay to grade. As far as the fiction writing, I’m wrapping up another chapter for Ragnarok Undone. I also finished putting together some more sections for Little Scapegoat. Slain Expectations got a little more. So it’s a bit shy from what I would like, coming in just over 6,000 new words for my fiction platform projects. And I probably should clean the kitchen again before I go to bed. If only sleep wasn’t necessary.
In case you haven’t heard, the Fifty Shades of Grey movie is coming out, and it’s got all kinds of people hot and bothered. The Christian response has been particularly interesting. Most of the time, it’s focused on why Christians should not participate in the viewing or the reading of this type of story. What’s troubling though is that the discussion often starts off or later incorporates a litany of the common things Christians don’t do as proof that Fifty Shades of Grey isn’t the only thing they won’t partake in:
don’t swear
don’t drink
don’t do drugs
don’t dance
don’t smoke
don’t watch bad movies
don’t read bad books
don’t go clubbing
don’t do…other things
The list doesn’t always include all these things. Sometimes it includes others or has these more narrowly tailored. Setting aside the fact that not even all of these things are sins, the list creates a deep problem in my opinion. The emphasis focuses on what we as Christians are not doing or should not be doing. And boy, isn’t that a wonderful testimony?
Not What We’re to Be Known For
After all, that’s what Jesus said we would be known for. “They will know you are Christians by the big long lists of all the things you indignantly say you will not do.” Actually, He said “they will know you are my disciples by your love for one another.”
Now does this mean that there’s no biblical basis for discussing the things we should not partake in? Not at all. It’s important to challenge one another to holier living, and accountability is good. But our focus should not only be on the things that we do not do, and our reputation most certainly should not be on the things that we don’t do. Holiness likewise is not simply what we do not do even though it is a part.
Often times, the focus on the things that we do not do is because we know from Romans 12:2 that we are to “not be conformed any longer to the patterns of this world.” And 1 Thessalonians 4:7 tells us “For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life.” We act as if holy living is what is achieved through cutting things out and denying ourselves. That’s reflected in the spiritual discipline of fasting, which does indeed have great value.
Knowing a Tree By Its Fruit
However, Jesus tells us in Matthew 7: 15 – 20 that we will “know a tree by its fruit.” But here’s an odd thing about fruit. We tell what a tree is by what it does produce. We pick apples from an apple tree, and it is an apple tree, not a not orange tree. James 2:14 – 26 tells us that faith without deeds is worthless. In fact, James says, “I will show you my faith by my deeds.” Again, this goes back to the things that we do as Christians, not the things that we don’t do.
When we think of Jesus, we think of the actions that He took. The fact that He did not sin is obviously a part of that, but more importantly, we talk about how He died on the cross for our sins and rose from the grave again. He healed the lame and the blind. He gave the dead life again. He taught people. He fed them. He cast out demons. He defeated satan.
When we think of Paul, we think of the actions he took. The miles he traveled to reach the cities. The demons he cast out. The people he healed. The letters he wrote. The suffering he endured.
Most of the notable men and women I can think of in history made a difference in the things that they did do or attempted to do rather than just the things they did not do. Some like Daniel do draw close to a narrower distinction. The fasting from meats and wines as well as the refusal to pray to Darius are both points when Daniel was known for what he did not do. But as in the case of Darius’s requirement that all pray to him, Daniel was known for his great wisdom, his consistent prayer, and faithful stewardship through three rulers’ spans. He took action. He didn’t just say, “oh, I don’t pray to mere men” and then go back about his tasks. He went on to take positive action that demonstrated his faith.
Not Really a Sign of a Christian
So all of this to say, if the only thing you are known for is the fact that you do not do things like smoke or drink or read erotica, then you have a very weak testimony. In fact, you don’t even have to be a Christian to have that list. There’s a lot of old ladies at the nursing home I visit who are atheists or agnostics, and they can top your list with all the things they won’t do. Some won’t even play cards. And it’s incredibly hard to talk to any of those ladies because no matter what you say, you know you’re probably doing something wrong and will get a browbeating and a lecture before you’re done.
Being a Christian and living a pure and holy life is about far more than not doing something, and, frankly, it may involve smoking or drinking. That’s another discussion entirely though. In Galatians, Paul describes the fruit of the Spirit as being “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.” All of these traits can be demonstrated through positive actions. In fact, many of them can only be demonstrated in the positive, meaning that they are not demonstrated by someone not doing something. Someone who is kind and loving isn’t just someone who is not nasty or not cruel. Someone who is not nasty or not cruel is generally just nice. Kind goes beyond that. A nice person might express condolences if you fall on the ground and perhaps may even help you up. But a kind person might make sure you are all right, help you get cleaned up, call for help, and so forth. Nice is neutral. “Into the Woods” describes it best with the phrase “you’re not good, you’re not bad, you’re just nice.”
The Wrong Focus
So to those who do not want to partake in something because you believe that it’s sinful, that’s fine. You are responsible for your conscience, and you are certainly not obligated to participate in actions you consider sinful. But you need to be cautious if you are most vocal about the things you do not do and never show or reveal what you actually do. Christians are often criticized for having long, long lists of “thou shall nots” and serving the “cosmic kill joy.” But when Christ came, He gave us new life. In John 10:10, Jesus says that He came that we “might have life and have it more abundantly.”
The risk in making the focus so much on what we don’t do is that it reaffirms the notion to most non Christians that Christians are out to spoil their fun. When we list out the things that we won’t do, we miss the amazing things that God has done and the incredible freedom that He has brought us. And saying “I won’t watch this media because it corrupts my mind” may seem like a good opportunity to witness about how holy you are, but it’s more likely to have the same effect as fake salt or fake sugar. Sure, it tastes sort of right, but it doesn’t have any of the benefits. In fact, it may actually have a host of other problems that it tracks right in with it.
Of course, let’s face it. Being known for anything positive takes so much work than being known for inaction and denial. It really isn’t that hard to keep saying no and no and no and no. I know because I’ve been there. It may be that refusing to participate in certain types of media really isn’t the best place to stake your claim and say “I don’t do this because I’m a Christian.” I’ve worked with non Christians who had no problem saying, “ahh, no, I just don’t like country western music” or “I’m not really that fond of death metal.” They don’t add a spiritual component to it, and they are known generally for other things that they do do. In fact, most of my non Christian friends never really gave those statements a second glance. The ones whom they ridiculed were the Christians who would list of all the things that they would refuse to do and yet never once offer an alternative. In fact, those Christians tended to only talk about the things one should not do with the occasional gushing over an Amish romance or a new Christian film.
An Intriguing Friend
The most godly men and women in my life are men and women who are known for the actions that they take. They probably don’t do a lot of the things on the list, but the rich lives that they live are such that they would never be known just for what they didn’t do. One stunning example of this was a vivacious godly woman I knew in Virginia Beach. She was always such a joy to be around. The life just flowed from her. One time when I was at the library, a fellow patron asked her if she had read Fifty Shades of Grey. She shrugged and said, “No. But you know a fantastic book I just read?” It was so effortless and the conversation continued. It shifted into other topics soon.
Now something cool that happened with this dear friend of mine is that later that same patron asked her whether she chose not to read Fifty Shades for spiritual or religious reasons. And she gave a beautiful articulate answer. But the patron was the one who initiated that discussion and she was actually curious to hear that explanation and receptive to what my friend had to say. My friend didn’t sit there on a somber pedestal saying with all the life of a funeral procession, “I do not partake in such worldly pursuits.”
Whether intended or not, the focus of what we do not do creates the “holier than thou” persona that so many Christians are known and judged for. Even when it comes from the best of intentions and even if it is hard for you to articulate it, it does not mean that focusing on what you cannot and will not do is a godly witness. In many cases, it may actually be throwing up more barriers between you and the people you work with.
A Shallow Example
Let’s shift this to a more shallow perspective. I want to lose weight. I know that I have too much fat on my bones even though I’m quite fit. But losing weight is quite difficult and takes a long, long time. Often it’s discouraging, and sometimes I want to give up. The people who make me want to be more like them and who inspire me to strive to live a healthier life are the ones who are joyful and eager to take on life and its challenges. In college, I had one friend who absolutely loved to dance. We danced in the room to Disney, Broadway, and pop songs before we then went out to get a light yogurt with granola. The fit people who take delight in their healthy lifestyles and don’t focus on what they can’t or won’t do are the most contagious.
The ones who sneer or roll their eyes and say, “I don’t eat fast food” do not inspire me to eat healthy. If anything, I have to fight eating a brownie just to spite them. And even the ones who sigh and say, “I wish I could but I just can’t” don’t really make me want to learn more about their lifestyle. Frankly, they make it sound miserable. So why are we doing that with our faith, the supposedly greatest thing that ever happened to us in our lives?
What Are You Known For?
Again, this is not to say that you cannot say “I don’t care for that” or “This is wrong.” There are times and places for that. But ask yourself what do your coworkers and peers see when they look at you? Is your testimony confined to a list of things you can’t or won’t do? Are you living in the fullness that God has promised? Are you contributing more than you are taking away? What do you do that positively reflects on your relationship with God? Why should anyone give up a guilty pleasure for a life like yours? What are you showing that makes it even marginally worth it?
As a Christian, you have the opportunity to live a rich and fulfilled life that goes far beyond anything imaginable. You should be one of the most incredible people around, not a stiff, boring, rigid caricature.
So don’t be known for what you don’t do. Be known for what you do. Do it to the glory of God and live.
Happy New Year, everyone! It’s hard to believe that it is now 2015.
Every year, I always put together a list of resolutions and goals. Then, throughout the year, I check myself to see how well I am doing in reaching those goals. Some attempts result in failure, but, in my opinion, the most important thing is to try and see what comes. But here’s my evaluation of last year’s public goals.
Overall Reflection
The biggest lesson from this year has been to “not despise the small things.” So often I tend to be an all or nothing kind of woman. I want it to be perfect, and I do not want to accept the small steps that may be the only ones accomplished within a day.
Write Daily
Yes, I managed to hit this one again. I’ve been writing at least 500 words a day now for years, but I still make this a yearly goal to hold myself to it. It’s hard to imagine not writing. It’s more important than eating. Fortunately, it appears that writing is good for one’s health!
Lose 30 Pounds
Yes and no. Throughout the course of the year, I worked out, ate healthy, hit some setbacks, persevered, and by late August reached my year’s target. I did a great job maintaining it too until I got sick again. And then I gained most of it back. Alas, I wish it had been through cheesecake, pizza, and burgers. Weight gain happens very easily for me. If I actually let myself go and just ate whatever I wanted whenever I wanted with no regard to health, I’d probably balloon up like nobody’s business. I haven’t done so well about drinking enough water, and to combat the nausea, I have been drinking carbonated beverages again. I’ve cut those as much as I can. Tea, for whatever reason, does not really soothe the way soda does.
So my goal for this year is to knock off 60 pounds. If past experience is any indicator, the weight I gained back will go away fairly easily. (A fair amount of it may be swelling?) I see the best results following a slightly modified low carb diet. Lots of fresh vegetables. Plenty of water. Lean protein. Even if it doesn’t result in weight loss, I do feel better while avoiding processed foods and sugars. No matter how much I enjoy fast food. It’s best to keep that as a treat rather than a staple.
Complete Tue-Rah Identity Revealed
Yes. I realized this year that I had spent more than twenty years working on Tue-Rah Identity Revealed in particular. I have, of course, worked on the other books in the series, but Identity Revealed absorbed the majority of my time and focus. As such, I really, really wanted to finish the draft this year. It still needs some final proofing, but it is done. December 15.
Oddly it left me feeling depressed, but I suspect that has more to do with other emotions and conclusions as well.
Experiment with and Decide on Primary Social Media Accounts
Social media just keeps expanding. One of last year’s resolutions was to determine which ones I wanted to prioritize. I have settled on Twitter, Facebook, and Pinterest. I may use Google+ and LinkedIn some.
Build a Website on WordPress
Obviously this one was a success as you can see. It’s pretty basic. I tried Elegant Themes, but I couldn’t get those themes to work as well. So I switched to a basic layout. Nothing fancy. It could use some tweaking, but it has my blog as well. Most everything imported all right.
Finish Five Stories
This year was quite good in terms of overall productivity. I finished Tue-Rah Identity Revealed as well as Cyberbullying: What You Need to Know; 10,000 Words a Day: How to Survive and Thrive; Mermaid Bride; Ragnarok Unravels, and a handful of short stories. Most of these are ready for publication, but I need to finish cover art and prep for the formatting and so on. Plus there’s always a few more tweaks I will want to make.
Get Law Firm Going
All the books and seminars in the world are nothing compared to actually doing it. James and I have gone from handling one or two cases a week to four to five cases a day with some random free days. Getting clients to pay, of course, is the bigger challenge. For the first full year of our law firm, it really went quite well. Ups and downs but overall good. And no malpractice suits. The home office works quite well.
Month of Fear
I actually didn’t have a name of this before. All it was labeled as was “overcome fears” and “try new things.” So I compiled this into a single month known as the Month of Fear. It was challenging but fun. I intend to do the Month of Fear again this year. Perhaps more than once. In fact, I’m tackling some fears today. I will post some updates on these. Most of the time they tend to be more personal, and there’s no need to share everything.
Create a Place for Knife Throwing in My House
I may not be good at it, but I do love throwing knives. It soothes me. And I did succeed in making a knife throwing board for my office. It works so well. The only thing I have to watch out for is Thor who loves to play fetch. And I don’t like him trying to snatch blades out of the air.
So those are some of the top goals/resolutions and their results from 2014. I may share my goals and resolutions for 2015. Even though the year has been off to a rough start, I’ve done fairly well so far. It was a trying but exciting and good year. I am looking forward to this one. Have an absolutely wonderful day!
Grandpa’s eyes twinkled whenever he smiled; he often wore red, one of his favorite colors.
I have been trying for months now to write a small memoir to honor my grandfather, Bob Farlow who passed away in 2008. It’s difficult to summarize or honor the life of a man who has done so much. He was a true Renaissance man, an artist, a preacher, a teacher, a principal, an entrepreneur, a sculptor, a musician, a soldier, a father, a grandfather, and so much more. Knowing where to start has always been the difficulty. I could start with his accomplishments in the art community or with his adventures and achievements. But for me, so many of the stories and so much of what I remember of him all started with one book in particular. Fortunately, recounting this will allow me to honor and thank a few others as well.
The story that started it was the Hobbit. My grandfather supervised my reading as soon as I started, and he always pushed me to read complex books in addition to children’s tales. I often balked at the heavier classics, despite loving to read. I abhorred the Odyssey, and I was probably too young for it. For some reason, I found it harder to read than the various books with Norse mythology or maybe Grandpa just knew it better and was able to make harder quizzes. But he promised that if I finished it, he would let me read a book he was quite certain I would love. We often made bargains like that, and we always kept our word. So I finished the Odyssey on a cold autumn day, and he let me borrow an already well worn copy of the Hobbit.
Books were always an important part of my relationship with my grandfather. Even when I was too young to understand letters, he read with me.
The Hobbit was the first true fantasy novel I ever read, and it awoke a deep desire within me to write fantasy. A desire that has burned for years now, never fading and always strengthening. The Hobbit was the first time I ever engaged so deeply with a book that I wept over the characters. Even now I am not entirely certain what it was that pulled me in and made me so invested. All I know is that I felt and I loved. Bilbo and Thorin were the first lessons I understood relating to conflicted characters who were not entirely good in all respects. And Gandalf was the first wizard I really remembered. I had been writing my own stories for a couple years by that point, but the Hobbit somehow made it all come alive to me and made me want to be a writer all the more.
Given that connection alone, even after more than twenty years, I had a deep love for the story, and I thoroughly enjoyed the movies. Watching The Battle of the Five Armies, despite all the ways it differed from the book, was such a rich experience. I have had a marvelous time, enjoying the film, hosting a party, cooking themed food, and even preparing costumes. It has been the best of experiences which bring both joy and grief at once. The happiness so much the richer for the tears that are shed and the ache of loss that comes with the realization that all that is left are the memories of what once was and the hope of what exists beyond Heaven’s gates.
The film made me realize that I have never wanted to say good bye to my grandfather. I miss him so much even now. At times, I catch myself wondering what he would say, wanting to talk to him, missing his voice. The workshop still has his last painting on the easel. Half carved statues packed away. Balsa wood shavings on the floor. The carving tools in neat rows and the paintbrushes in glass bottles. A dozen projects in various stages scattered around the studio. It always smelled of linseed oil, oil paints, Bavarian wax, and shaved Balsa wood. I can still see it all so clearly. It’s been years since I’ve walked into that studio, but the memory is as crisp in my mind as a new book fresh from Amazon.
The Sinterklaas from the Netherlands was one of many Gift Givers Grandpa hand carved. Replicas were then made from Bavarian wax and hand painted.
Of course, I always think of Grandpa around Christmas. He and my grandmother ran a small business known as Briercroft. He carved and sold various sculptures, the most popular being the Giftgivers. From St. Nicholas to Sinterklaas, he carved, molded, and painted the gift givers from around the world for many years until they closed the business a few years before his death. This Christmas is even heavier for me, and I apologize because this is rather convoluted.
You see, after I read the Hobbit for the first time as a little girl, I decided I wanted to write my own fantasy. My desire only grew when I read Lord of the Rings. But my grandfather and father always encouraged me to avoid mimicking Tolkien. As brilliant as he was, there will never be another J.R.R. Tolkien. What they told me to do was find my own story to tell, create my own races, develop my own world, and honor Tolkien through learning the craft as best I could. And I took that very, very seriously. For me, that story became the Tue-Rah series, but the first book is the one that absorbed the majority of my attention: Tue-Rah Identity Revealed.
I was seven or eight when I first got the idea for Tue-Rah. In this picture, my father had just caught me making battle plans on the site of our new home. Grandpa thought it was funny.
I have been working on it for over twenty years now. My grandfather never worked on just one project. He always had at least half a dozen or more. One day I walked in on him, and he had started plans for a hand crafted sailboat (which he completed and sailed, I might add). He never stopped working, never stopped dreaming, never stopped thinking. But he always had at least one project he focused on. So I followed his example. While I had many stories and many projects, Tue-Rah was my primary focus and will remain so until the entire series is completed. Grandpa always teased me because I never thought the first book was really finished. I kept tweaking it, changing a plot point here, developing a character there, and then overhauling it. The whys and the hows had to be analyzed and satisfied. And I wanted so much for it to be perfect. He wanted me to finish it. He always told me that I would never think it was perfect or even good enough. I said I just wanted to be satisfied with it. In fairness, I was only a very little girl when I wrote the first draft. And so I learned about world building, character development, pacing, and everything else through those pages. As I neared my high school graduation though, Grandpa started encouraging me to consider it finished and leave the first book. “You’ll have plenty of time to tweak with the final edits, and you have the rest of the books to finish.”
I refused to listen. It still didn’t feel quite right. Yet somehow the conversation shifted back to the Hobbit, and Grandpa shocked me when he revealed that the only Tolkien works he had read were Gawain and the Green Knight and Tolkien’s pieces on Beowulf.
The fact that Grandpa could listen to my stories and juggle my little sister and maintain his sanity is proof of the man’s strength and resolve.
Given how much the books had impacted me, I wanted to share that with him. It meant…so much. I really don’t know why. We had spoken of it many times, and I had told him all about it. It had never impeded our discussion. Still, I offered to read to him while he carved or painted or sculpted. I had done that for my younger brothers just a few years before. He smiled at that, and we struck another bargain. He told me I could read the Hobbit to him when I finished the final draft of Tue-Rah Identity Revealed before it went in to editors. If he liked the Hobbit, I could read the Lord of the Rings. I agreed. I even joked with him that if I didn’t get it done before they made a Hobbit movie, he’d have to go with me to see it. And while I did not procrastinate, I thought we had all the time in the world.
As it turned out, we only had three years. Grandpa went to the doctor for a routine checkup after he spent the previous day chopping wood with an old axe. And then the news came. He had to have emergency open heart surgery. He was going to be on bedrest for weeks, and he was already fussing about that. He didn’t want any of us grandkids coming to see him in the hospital. So I wrote him a letter to encourage him before or after the surgery, whenever Grandma gave it to him. I told him I was going to read him those books, starting with the Hobbit. I didn’t care that I hadn’t finished Tue-Rah Identity Revealed, and since he would be trapped on the old creaky couch, I knew he’d be glad for the company. I was just putting the books together in an oversized black bag that I used for a purse. And that’s when the phone rang. He was gone. In the space of a second, my grandfather ceased to exist in this world.
It was so hard to comprehend. That all that was left was the memory of those calloused hands and twinkling eyes. That there would never be another debate over what constituted literature or whether a particular color was burgundy or crimson or which translation of Philippians was the most accurate. That there would be many Thanksgivings and Christmases, birthdays and celebrations he would never see.
It doesn’t feel like it should be real. Grandpa traveled so much that I might be able to pretend he has merely been away on a very long trip. But I can’t…
I still remember his body in that casket. So lifeless. All that had once been there. Gone. The twinkle in his eyes. The fidgety energy that never faded. To see someone who was so vital and strong placed in a box and arranged like a doll with too much makeup and no smile…it was wrong. It was so wrong. That spark of the divine, the incredible spirit that had made him so much…it was gone, leaving only a silent shell behind. I could barely breathe when I looked at him; I wanted so much for it to be no more than a horrible mistake, some nightmare I could push away. But it was not so.
At the funeral, the pastor asked me at the last minute whether I wanted to write a poem and read it at the funeral. He didn’t mean any harm; I think he just forgot to talk to me sooner. When I said I didn’t have anything prepared, he insisted I could speak off the cuff and share my heart. But I refused to trot out my grief and paste random words on it. The loss cut through my soul, eating it like turpentine eats through paint. And to just come up with something in less than fifteen minutes the way I might to honor a speaker who arrived unannounced at a club meeting felt blasphemous. It wasn’t just reading a Scripture verse Grandpa had loved or playing a song he adored. It was about reaching into my soul, digging through the morass, and finding some fitting way to honor and remember him. And that could not be done in such a short span. Any poem or snippet I wrote would be clumsy and forced.
So when it came time, I sat in silence, my hands in my lap. I did not know what to say.
We buried him in another church graveyard down in Shelbyville some hours away. I still had a copy of the Hobbit in my purse along with my notebooks with scene drafts for the Tue-Rah series and some other stories. I tried writing on that car ride, but my writing reflected the state of my mind. Distant and jumbled. So I read instead. I don’t remember which section. I think it was when the dwarves arrived or perhaps when they met Beorn.
It’s very well worn by this point. This isn’t the same rose that I was given at Grandpa’s burial, but it is similar. A student who didn’t realize the significance of the book to me grabbed it and pulled out the flower petals without realizing how delicate they were.
I still have that same copy of the Hobbit. Grandma gave it to me along with a number of other beloved books. It is so fragile now I can barely turn the pages without tearing them. The binding has all but fallen away, and masking tape secures it at key points. I pressed the rose petals from my grandfather’s burial in those pages. An accident destroyed the rose petals, but the book survived. It’s in the bookshelf next to my desk.
Finishing Tue-Rah Identity Revealed and sending it to an editor just before the Battle of the Five Armies came out was bittersweet. Grandpa would have teased me for taking so long, but he would have been pleased, I think. I hope. He would probably tease me all the more if I told him that I still think it needs tweaking and editing, but at least I now feel satisfied that it is the whole of the first book. I have shed so many tears. Watching the movie only intensified my feelings. While it was not perfect and quite different from the book, the movie was a fitting end for my favorite fantasy novel of all time, the story I wanted my grandfather to hear, and a tearful farewell to Middle Earth, one of the few fictional worlds where I gladly escape time and time again. But it was like coming to the end of a journey and realizing that one of the people I thought for certain would be there isn’t there at all.
There was so much good in this movie. I noticed even more when I watched it a second time. Peter Jackson did an incredible job making the world come to life yet again, and I will always be so grateful that he gave me the chance to return to Middle Earth and see that world in film yet again. The actors were phenomenal. The funny thing though was that when I first heard about the movie’s production, I couldn’t really imagine the chosen actors in the roles. I was familiar with some of them from other pieces, and they were talented. But they did not match the characters in my mind. Yet after I watched An Unexpected Journey, I realized they were the perfect choice. It was quite incredible to see beloved characters from a story I treasured come to life in a way so unlike what I expected and yet so perfect that I cannot imagine anyone else. Even though I knew the story well, I leaned on the edge of my seat. I have never wanted a story to deviate from its conclusion so much as I did there. The characters made me feel as strongly as I did the first time I read the book, and I wanted so much for them to live happily ever after. There was no more chance of that though than of my grandfather surviving the final stroke.
My grandfather always found it ironic that his hog paintings from rural Indiana life were always among his most popular and highly awarded. He said it was how God kept him humble.
To say that it was sad is an understatement, but the most perfect thing of all was the ending. Billy Boyd’s song, “The Last Goodbye” was heart wrenching and beautiful at once. Listening to that play while watching the penciled illustrations appear and fade on the big screen was hauntingly appropriate. The artistic style reminded me of my grandfather’s. Soft pencil strokes across parchment paper, filled with expression and movement with lead that could so easily be smudged by a wayward brush of the hand. I stayed until the end, wrapped in a soft red pashmina, listening to each word and note until they faded away.
The song is true in many respects. I know I cannot remain forever in one place. I know that I must away. There is so much more to be done. I will never stop missing my grandfather. I will never stop loving him. He was a good and godly man who seized life in every breath he drew. If he were here now,…
In many respects, it was the end a long time ago. But this is not my last goodbye. Not to Middle Earth. Not to my grandfather. But it is time to say farewell. For now.
So to all those who were involved with the making of the Hobbit films as well as the Lord of the Rings, from the grips to the lighting experts to the cooks to the directors to the actors and everyone else, thank you. You brought the story to life in a beautiful way that I will always remember. You put faces on characters I have loved for years and made the world seem as real as I always hoped it would be. I cannot read it now without seeing your interpretation, and I am grateful it is one I can love just as much as the books.
To Tolkien, thank you for creating the stories in the first place. I will always treasure them, and they will always be part of my library and my heart. I cannot imagine fantasy without your stories. You brought me such joy and comfort so many times.
And to Grandpa…I finally know what I want to say…. Grandpa, I love you, and I will never ever forget you. I wish so much that it had been different and that you were still here. There are so many things I wanted to share with you. So many times when I wish with all my heart that you were here. That when I come home you would be there. That I could have shown you that I really did finish Tue-Rah Identity Revealed. And so I could just tell you one more time how much I love you, how much you mean to me, and how you inspire me even to this day. I will see you again, and I am so blessed to have known you. But I still miss you, and there will always be tears when I try to say goodbye.
These past couple months have been some of the busiest of my life. I wouldn’t say that they exceed the months surrounding law school finals and the bar, but they have come close. My own weight loss battle has continued, and, while I have not gained weight, I have not been able to lose more than one pound. And after months and months (years actually) of hard work, that’s discouraging.
I won’t be giving up, of course. Even if I never succeed in losing the weight, if I can just hold off the weight gain, it will be worth it. Plus my health is gradually improving. The doctors have various theories as to why I cannot lose weight, but there’s really nothing conclusive. One has recommended that I return to the Atkins based diet.
So long as I stay in the house, I know that Loki is never far behind me.
I will now be joined by my own weight loss partner. My darling little Loki is no longer so little. After he was neutered in August, he started to become more lethargic. He didn’t gain weight right away. In fact, he was quite lean. Starting in late September, I noticed that he was beginning to gain weight. Since he was severely underweight when we first adopted him, I wasn’t concerned about his more aggressive behavior toward food. And within the span of about a month, he packed on eight pounds (though in fairness, he carries it well. You have to be looking at him at the right angle to really see it). But at this point, he is so large that he can no longer clean his hindquarters, which has led his dragging them across the carpet.
Here Loki is at a lean 10.8 pounds as of September 13, 2014.Here Loki is a fair bit heavier at 18.8 pounds as of October 30. As you can see, he also made a mess of the office.
The vet agreed that the pounds must come off. He wants Loki to lose six pounds, averaging a pound a month. I’ll be taking him back in in May. So Loki needs to get down to twelve pounds, approximately 2/3 of his current body weight. I would like to get down to about 130 myself, which would mean I would be going down to approximately 2/3 of my current body weight. Obviously, healthy weight loss for me is not likely to occur as swiftly, but I’ll sure give it my best.
To make this work, I am feeding all of the cats at a set point rather than allowing grazing. Loki has to be put in a separate room because he tries to eat the other cats’ food. The problem is that Maelona and Sophie, my two older girl cats, are starting to lose weight as well. And given that they are already 6.5 and 6.8 pounds respectively, that’s not good. They don’t act like they’re hungry, and they don’t want treats. But they don’t eat as much when they aren’t allowed to graze. So I will need to look into some other options for them. Thor isn’t having a problem. He is so relaxed about all of this that it doesn’t seem to be an issue. He doesn’t come running when it’s time for breakfast, lunch, or dinner if there’s any possibility of his getting a few more minutes of snuggling.
Before, Loki used to chill on the treadmill and sometimes go for a walk with me. He’s at a healthy weight here. And soon we’ll be going on full walks.
Loki, however, is very angry with me. When he received his breakfast, he looked up at me and meowed. Not a nice little “may I have some more?” Nope. More like a “where’s the rest of it?” I stroked his head, gave him a kiss, picked up my cup of tea, and went to the desk where I started working on a new chapter for Tue-Rah Identity Revealed. Since Loki has to be kept separate from the others, I thought it would be nice if I kept him in the office with me while I worked. But after Loki finished his quarter cup of Blue Buffalo Indoor Cat Formula, he hopped onto the desk, strolled over to me, and gave another disgruntled meow.
I, of course, said, “No, Loki. That’s all you get for breakfast.”
That’s when he slapped me. No claws fortunately. But those ears went back and he popped me on the jaw with his paw.
As you can see, Loki is not enormously fond of the harness. And it’s a tad snug. Looks like someone needs the XL kitty harness.
This is going to be a very long, long process. Tomorrow we start leash training.
What is obsession, and is it good or bad? So often, obsession is seen as a bad thing, typically associated with individuals who don’t know when to let go or how to balance life with everything else. Oftentimes, it’s associated too with stalkers, criminals, master criminals, and drug addicts.
A dear friend of mine was just told that she was obsessive, and that is, in fact, what made me start to ponder the concept. (Her horrific obsession? Posting more than what someone thought was a reasonable number of links and posts on Facebook in a day. Yeah…considering she only put out about a dozen or so throughout the course of the day and none of them were ads or spam, I have to wonder whether the complainer actually spent much time on Facebook. I have some friends who literally spam my feed with more than 50 posts in a day.)
Obsession seems to be connected to passion. A number of incredible artists and people who have made such differences in the world could be qualified as obsessed. For this, I’d like to limit it to artists, actors, authors, and other creative individuals.
So let’s start with someone that just about everyone would agree was phenomenal. Leonardo da Vinci. He painted fewer than 30 known paintings, but with all of his drawings and sketches that have survived, he completed thousands. I’m guessing that that number does not actually include all the sketches and doodles that he did on the side, in the dust, or on his table and walls. One of his most famous paintings and one of the most well known paintings of all time, the Mona Lisa, underwent numerous renditions. From analyses of the paintings, experts now believe that he repainted the Mona Lisa over a dozen times, trying to get it just right. From articles on the Daily Mall to biographies that detail this incredible man’s life, most would agree that da Vinci was incredible, and he certainly was obsessed with his art.
A more modern example of a woman who took obsession to an extreme to hone her craft is Anne Hathaway. In preparation for the role of Fantine in Les Miserables, she lost 25 pounds, and anyone who has seen that woman knows that she did not have 25 pounds to lose. In addition to that, she had her long hair cut during the filming, to help to convey the emotion and trauma of what Fantine went through. It’s hard to watch that particular scene without experiencing the drama and the emotion. A lot of people were actually concerned that she had taken preparation for the role too far, but Anne Hathaway took the role so seriously that she did not even allow concerns over her own health and well being get in the way of performing it to the best of her ability. Had she done it in moderation and balanced it all equally, I doubt that the scene would have been quite as moving.
Another example of one of my favorites is J.R.R. Tolkien with his series, The Lord of the Rings. The Hobbit and the Lord of the Rings took him more than twelve years to complete, perhaps longer, depending on where you start the clock. He toiled long and hard over the series, crafting his races, characters, languages, and scenes. You can’t pick up that series without realizing that it was a labor of love and a passion for storytelling that brought it all together.
These are only a few. I could talk about so many others who have sacrificed, honed, and challenged themselves, sacrificing health and so much more to push themselves to the limit of their craft and art. Obsession can lead to bad results if the object of the obsession is bad or flawed. Serial killers, stalkers, and the like are bad examples of obsession, but they are not the only one. Here’s one thing that I have noticed though. People who are obsessed tend to get results in the areas that they pursue. Harold Brown once said, “It’s the addicts that stay with it. They’re not necessarily the most talented, they’re just the ones that can’t get it out of their systems.”
Now maybe I’m just trying to make myself feel better. After all, I know that I obsess over writing. I write between 10,000 and 15,000 words every day, working on various stories, novels, articles, and legal pieces. Only a fraction of it has ever been published, primarily because I don’t think it’s good enough and because it needs “just one more edit.” Or maybe it’s because I worry for my friend. She is passionate and vivacious, even when she feels isolated and unsure about her place in the world. Yet her obsession is with justice, raising awareness, and storytelling. I think that her ability to be obsessive is actually one of her strengths. Not in her Facebook posts so much as in the honing of her craft and the perpetual pursuit of characters that are true to real people and who are drawn from the corners of society that most of the world would rather ignore.
People often say that balance and moderation are the key to life. However, here’s something interesting about balance. Balance does not necessarily mean equal as so many people seem to think. When I make soup, balancing the broth requires adding spices, but I don’t put in equal amounts of salt and pepper. I put in a little more of the one over the other. So perhaps one can be obsessed while living life in appropriate balance when you consider the craft, the goal, and the desired impact. So here’s to obsession, friends.
I actually wasn’t sure whether I was going to do the Ice Bucket Challenge. But then I started hearing some of the criticisms and all about why this was such a bad idea. The top ones were 1) it’s just narcissistic self righteousness 2) this won’t cure ALS 3) most people won’t do anything beyond this to help find a cure for ALS 4) everyone else is doing it 5) ALS Association supports embryonic stem cell research.
So, as part of the Ice Bucket Challenge, I’m going to actually address these points. For those of you who don’t know, ALS is a disease where your body becomes your own tomb. As the nerve cells stop working, you lose the ability to move. Day by day, you lose more and more strength. You cannot taste. In some cases, you cannot smell. And eventually, though your mind will remain sharp as ever, your body will simply stop responding. The only part of your body you will be able to move is your eyes. I’ve decided that as part of this challenge, I’ll actually be doing another blog post that goes into more detail on this point. But now let’s get into the more popular reasons why you shouldn’t be doing the Ice Bucket Challenge.
It’s Just Narcissism
There’s been a number of articles and blog posts spread around the web about how this is just the latest in a long line of social media based attempts at altruism that are nothing more than masks for narcissism. “Look at me! I’m doing something to help other people! I’m a good person!”
Okay, maybe it is. Matters of the heart are important, but I would actually say on something like this, “who cares?” Unlike in some social media campaigns which have no quantifiable results (though perhaps other unseen benefits), the Ice Bucket Challenge has raised millions of dollars. I have heard more and more people talking about ALS than ever before. ALS wasn’t that well known in popular culture despite how horrible it is.
Let God judge the heart. If good is coming from it, let the good come. The heart is a big deal, don’t get me wrong. But it’s our hearts in what we do that are at issue, not others. And actually, our own hearts are the only ones we can examine.
It Won’t Cure ALS
Oh….I didn’t realize that one of the requirements of participating in an awareness event or a charity or a fundraising event was the conclusion that it must succeed in curing the disease.
Sarcasm off. ALS is a serious disease for which there is, as of yet, no cure. Those who are diagnosed with it can only hope to perhaps delay the onset of the symptoms or extend their lives, but it is a death sentence. A long, slow, and painful death. But if our standard for raising awareness and researching diseases is the guarantee that the cure be found, then why are we researching cancer or a number of other diseases?
Research and fundraising are both necessary before the cure can typically be found. And so while it may not cure ALS yet, it may eventually lead to it. How else would the cure be found except by accident?
It Won’t Last; These People Won’t Do Anything Else
I did not realize that when one participated in an awareness movement or assisted with a charity or helped with a cause that it was a lifelong commitment. Hmmm…fascinating.
Sarcasm off. Once again, I find this to be a strange standard to require. I have participated in numerous causes. In some cases, I have continued to work with them, investing what I can in time, energy, and money. Others I only assisted with once or twice. Did that mean that the efforts I and others expended were somehow irrelevant? Not at all! It helped in that instance.
Now, if I were to look at this in the best possible light, these critics might actually be trying to encourage folks to participate further. Help out a family with ALS. Continue to make donations. Continue to raise awareness and so on.
There’s nothing wrong with that, and I would say that participating in the Ice Bucket Challenge could be the start for other participation later on down the road. Pouring a bucket of ice water on your head doesn’t mean that you won’t ever do anything else. Will most of the folks who participated in this do more to support those suffering from ALS or to support the research? I don’t know. Maybe not. But again, is continued participation the requirement? If you do decide to participate in this, then do seriously consider what you will do beyond this. If you can do more, then do more. And encourage others to do the same.
Lots of Other People Are Doing It; I Don’t Want To Be Like Everyone Else
A number of posts I’ve seen lately have decried others for “jumping on the band wagon” and “giving in to peer pressure.” Maybe some people are doing this just to fit in. But others may be choosing to participate because they actually want to do something to raise awareness and assist with this process.
The fact is that if you are a person who thinks for herself, then this is irrelevant. Whether everyone is doing it or no one is doing it. Otherwise, you really aren’t someone who thinks for yourself. You’re just someone who reacts against what everyone else is doing, and that is just as bad as being someone who jumps on the band wagon.
The Donations Are Going to Fund Embryonic Stem Cell Research
[As a side note, a lot of folks are doing both the challenge and donating to an organization to provide for the families, research, and so forth. In fact, that’s what I thought you were supposed to do at first. And most of the folks I know personally who are doing this are doing both.]
For individuals who are pro life, this is a more serious allegation, and it is probably one of the more serious charges against participation. I’m not going to get into all the specifics and analyses of embryonic stem cell research, but if this is your reason for not participating or telling others not to participate, you might want to reconsider.
First of all, while the ALS Association does potentially use embryonic stem cells (supposedly donated), you can request that the organization not use your funds in any way that uses embryonic stem cell research. You can’t do this on the website. The donation page does not allow for that qualification that I can see. But you can allegedly mail in your donation with a letter that makes that request, and they will honor it. I have not yet heard back from the association to confirm this officially.
Second of all, there are other organizations to which you can donate the money. (As a Christian, I strongly oppose the belief that just because an organization might do something with which my faith disagrees I am somehow released from doing anything.) One of these organizations that funds ALS research without using embryonic stem cell research is the John Paul II Research Institute.
If you’re concerned about the effectiveness of the funds, you can also consider helping out the families who are struggling through ALS. Just because there’s no cure for the disease doesn’t mean that the families don’t wrack up enormous expenses. The entire family suffers in this disease. It is emotionally, physically, and mentally agonizing. ALS Guardian Angels helps to provide for these families, provide grants, and so forth.
You can also look to see if there are any families within your community who are enduring through this disease or local charities that work with this. Nothing says that you have to give your donation to the ALS Association. You just have to get creative.
What Would You Have People Do Instead?
Some feel that folks should just donate the money and shut up. But that’s actually the incredible thing about the Ice Bucket Challenge. It went viral. On the news each day and on my Facebook newsfeed, I see more and more people doing the challenge and talking about ALS. Now, yes, some celebrities who have done this have not provided much information on ALS or that you should donate. But others have. More importantly, just making a donation would not have made this stand out at all. It would have just been like countless other organizations and good causes that all want your money. If you had heard that one of your favorite celebrities or friends had donated money to an organization to cure a disease, you might think that that person is a great individual, but it probably wouldn’t have caught your attention as much as that person dumping a bucket of ice on his head.
As of August 19, the Internet campaign has raised more than $15,000,000 And you want to know something else? I’m hearing people talk about ALS! Folks are actually looking it up. They’re discussing it. And that is incredible!
So What If I Don’t Like This Challenge?
Frankly, that’s on you. You don’t have to participate in it if you don’t want to. Worst case scenario, someone will show up and dump a bucket of ice water on you, but depending on your state, you might even be able to sue him for battery.
Maybe you’re just sick of seeing people dumping ice water on themselves. Fine. I can understand. But it will go away in time.
Consider also what else has been on your Facebook newsfeed. I’m going to guess lots of cats, funny photos, perhaps even the “pick 5 pictures that make you feel beautiful challenge” and others. At least people are trying to make a positive difference here.
Let me put this bluntly. If all you’re going to do is complain and not offer another solution, you are not part of the solution. You are part of the problem. You don’t have to do the Ice Bucket Challenge. It doesn’t make you a bad person if you don’t want to participate. Let me make that very clear. You have every right to say no and not feel guilty. You can make your donation in private, say a prayer for those suffering from this disease, and carry on with your life.
But the fact that you dislike the challenge does not mean that you should harass those who are participating in it. Calling them sheeple, stupid, and narcissistic when you’re just sitting on your backside doing nothing is certainly not any better.
So for those of you who know me, this is a very big deal. I have long held a fear of cameras and filming. So much so that I have avoided some opportunities. Well, no more. This is one fear that’s going to be lambasted. As a head’s up, I know there’s a lot of roughness about it. This is a single take with just my laptop computer camera.
And here’s my reaction to watching that video, lol.
