Month: August 2014

Why Some Folks Say You Shouldn’t Do the Ice Bucket Challenge

Published by Jessica on August 22, 2014

I actually wasn’t sure whether I was going to do the Ice Bucket Challenge. But then I started hearing some of the criticisms and all about why this was such a bad idea. The top ones were 1) it’s just narcissistic self righteousness 2) this won’t cure ALS 3) most people won’t do anything beyond this to help find a cure for ALS 4) everyone else is doing it 5) ALS Association supports embryonic stem cell research.

So, as part of the Ice Bucket Challenge, I’m going to actually address these points. For those of you who don’t know, ALS is a disease where your body becomes your own tomb. As the nerve cells stop working, you lose the ability to move. Day by day, you lose more and more strength. You cannot taste. In some cases, you cannot smell. And eventually, though your mind will remain sharp as ever, your body will simply stop responding. The only part of your body you will be able to move is your eyes. I’ve decided that as part of this challenge, I’ll actually be doing another blog post that goes into more detail on this point. But now let’s get into the more popular reasons why you shouldn’t be doing the Ice Bucket Challenge.

It’s Just Narcissism

There’s been a number of articles and blog posts spread around the web about how this is just the latest in a long line of social media based attempts at altruism that are nothing more than masks for narcissism. “Look at me! I’m doing something to help other people! I’m a good person!”

Okay, maybe it is. Matters of the heart are important, but I would actually say on something like this, “who cares?” Unlike in some social media campaigns which have no quantifiable results (though perhaps other unseen benefits), the Ice Bucket Challenge has raised millions of dollars. I have heard more and more people talking about ALS than ever before. ALS wasn’t that well known in popular culture despite how horrible it is.

Let God judge the heart. If good is coming from it, let the good come. The heart is a big deal, don’t get me wrong. But it’s our hearts in what we do that are at issue, not others. And actually, our own hearts are the only ones we can examine.

It Won’t Cure ALS

Oh….I didn’t realize that one of the requirements of participating in an awareness event or a charity or a fundraising event was the conclusion that it must succeed in curing the disease.

Sarcasm off. ALS is a serious disease for which there is, as of yet, no cure. Those who are diagnosed with it can only hope to perhaps delay the onset of the symptoms or extend their lives, but it is a death sentence. A long, slow, and painful death. But if our standard for raising awareness and researching diseases is the guarantee that the cure be found, then why are we researching cancer or a number of other diseases?

Research and fundraising are both necessary before the cure can typically be found. And so while it may not cure ALS yet, it may eventually lead to it. How else would the cure be found except by accident?

It Won’t Last; These People Won’t Do Anything Else

I did not realize that when one participated in an awareness movement or assisted with a charity or helped with a cause that it was a lifelong commitment. Hmmm…fascinating.

Sarcasm off. Once again, I find this to be a strange standard to require. I have participated in numerous causes. In some cases, I have continued to work with them, investing what I can in time, energy, and money. Others I only assisted with once or twice. Did that mean that the efforts I and others expended were somehow irrelevant? Not at all! It helped in that instance.

Now, if I were to look at this in the best possible light, these critics might actually be trying to encourage folks to participate further. Help out a family with ALS. Continue to make donations. Continue to raise awareness and so on.

There’s nothing wrong with that, and I would say that participating in the Ice Bucket Challenge could be the start for other participation later on down the road. Pouring a bucket of ice water on your head doesn’t mean that you won’t ever do anything else. Will most of the folks who participated in this do more to support those suffering from ALS or to support the research? I don’t know. Maybe not. But again, is continued participation the requirement? If you do decide to participate in this, then do seriously consider what you will do beyond this. If you can do more, then do more. And encourage others to do the same.

Lots of Other People Are Doing It; I Don’t Want To Be Like Everyone Else

A number of posts I’ve seen lately have decried others for “jumping on the band wagon” and “giving in to peer pressure.” Maybe some people are doing this just to fit in. But others may be choosing to participate because they actually want to do something to raise awareness and assist with this process.

The fact is that if you are a person who thinks for herself, then this is irrelevant. Whether everyone is doing it or no one is doing it. Otherwise, you really aren’t someone who thinks for yourself. You’re just someone who reacts against what everyone else is doing, and that is just as bad as being someone who jumps on the band wagon.

The Donations Are Going to Fund Embryonic Stem Cell Research

[As a side note, a lot of folks are doing both the challenge and donating to an organization to provide for the families, research, and so forth. In fact, that’s what I thought you were supposed to do at first. And most of the folks I know personally who are doing this are doing both.]

For individuals who are pro life, this is a more serious allegation, and it is probably one of the more serious charges against participation. I’m not going to get into all the specifics and analyses of embryonic stem cell research, but if this is your reason for not participating or telling others not to participate, you might want to reconsider.

First of all, while the ALS Association does potentially use embryonic stem cells (supposedly donated), you can request that the organization not use your funds in any way that uses embryonic stem cell research. You can’t do this on the website. The donation page does not allow for that qualification that I can see. But you can allegedly mail in your donation with a letter that makes that request, and they will honor it. I have not yet heard back from the association to confirm this officially.

Second of all, there are other organizations to which you can donate the money. (As a Christian, I strongly oppose the belief that just because an organization might do something with which my faith disagrees I am somehow released from doing anything.) One of these organizations that funds ALS research without using embryonic stem cell research is the John Paul II Research Institute.

If you’re concerned about the effectiveness of the funds, you can also consider helping out the families who are struggling through ALS. Just because there’s no cure for the disease doesn’t mean that the families don’t wrack up enormous expenses. The entire family suffers in this disease. It is emotionally, physically, and mentally agonizing. ALS Guardian Angels helps to provide for these families, provide grants, and so forth.

You can also look to see if there are any families within your community who are enduring through this disease or local charities that work with this. Nothing says that you have to give your donation to the ALS Association. You just have to get creative.

What Would You Have People Do Instead?

Some feel that folks should just donate the money and shut up. But that’s actually the incredible thing about the Ice Bucket Challenge. It went viral. On the news each day and on my Facebook newsfeed, I see more and more people doing the challenge and talking about ALS. Now, yes, some celebrities who have done this have not provided much information on ALS or that you should donate. But others have. More importantly, just making a donation would not have made this stand out at all. It would have just been like countless other organizations and good causes that all want your money. If you had heard that one of your favorite celebrities or friends had donated money to an organization to cure a disease, you might think that that person is a great individual, but it probably wouldn’t have caught your attention as much as that person dumping a bucket of ice on his head.

As of August 19, the Internet campaign has raised more than $15,000,000 And you want to know something else? I’m hearing people talk about ALS! Folks are actually looking it up. They’re discussing it. And that is incredible!

So What If I Don’t Like This Challenge?

Frankly, that’s on you. You don’t have to participate in it if you don’t want to. Worst case scenario, someone will show up and dump a bucket of ice water on you, but depending on your state, you might even be able to sue him for battery.

Maybe you’re just sick of seeing people dumping ice water on themselves. Fine. I can understand. But it will go away in time.

Consider also what else has been on your Facebook newsfeed. I’m going to guess lots of cats, funny photos, perhaps even the “pick 5 pictures that make you feel beautiful challenge” and others. At least people are trying to make a positive difference here.

Let me put this bluntly. If all you’re going to do is complain and not offer another solution, you are not part of the solution. You are part of the problem. You don’t have to do the Ice Bucket Challenge. It doesn’t make you a bad person if you don’t want to participate. Let me make that very clear. You have every right to say no and not feel guilty. You can make your donation in private, say a prayer for those suffering from this disease, and carry on with your life.

But the fact that you dislike the challenge does not mean that you should harass those who are participating in it. Calling them sheeple, stupid, and narcissistic when you’re just sitting on your backside doing nothing is certainly not any better.

My First Video Blog – Month of Fear

Published by Jessica on August 21, 2014

So for those of you who know me, this is a very big deal. I have long held a fear of cameras and filming. So much so that I have avoided some opportunities. Well, no more. This is one fear that’s going to be lambasted. As a head’s up, I know there’s a lot of roughness about it. This is a single take with just my laptop computer camera.

And here’s my reaction to watching that video, lol.

Review of Into the Storm

Published by Jessica on August 20, 2014

Into the Storm Poster — Movie Poster for Into the Storm

Into the Storm was not a movie that I had high hopes for. After all, it’s a disaster movie, and disaster movies generally don’t have the best track record when it comes to story lines or characters. Special effects are typically the main reason that folks go. Look, you can see the White House get blown up! Or there goes a whole fleet of 747s! Or look at that! The tornado is on fire! Recently, disaster films have also had a tendency to be overly preachy and even dull.

However, I actually left the theater surprisingly pleased. Overall, I found it to be an enjoyable popcorn flick that I would gladly watch again and probably would add to my movie collection. But let’s get into the film.

Premises You Must Accept if You’re Going to Enjoy This Movie

Okay, every disaster film has at least one or two of these. But you need to be able to accept these premises if you’re going to enjoy it.

1) Some people will act incredibly stupid and ignore commonsense.

Into the Storm Storm Coming — Can you believe we’ve been through multiple tornadoes in a single day?

2) Everyone looks really quite fantastic after having been through a massive series of natural disasters. Seriously. Some of the survivors get a little bloodied up. Hair gets wet. Mud streaks the clothing. But everyone looked really quite good all the way through. Having been through storms involving a tornado, I can tell you I looked about a thousand times worse, and the tornado itself didn’t even touch down anywhere near me.

3) People and their vehicles will get far closer to tornados than is humanly possible without getting sucked in unless it’s required by the plot.

4) Multiple tornadoes, including an F5, all descend upon the same poor area.

5) Deaths are entirely at the film’s whim. People who shouldn’t be alive sometimes make it through what must otherwise be a miraculous event whereas others were obviously wearing red shirts.

Fusion of Regular Footage and Found Footage

Into the Storm Tornado Ahead — Ahhh, the pleasures of communing with nature.

Most of the time, I don’t enjoy found footage films. The shaky cameras and wooden dialogue tend to annoy me even though they’re supposed to mimic reality. In this case, it didn’t bother me as much. The film itself is a fusion of the traditional narrative style married to the found footage as Donnie and Trey, two brothers, are putting together interviews for the high school graduation and the time capsule. The other found footage comes from a group of storm chasers who are hoping to not only track down a tornado but anchor down and enter into the tornado itself. Security cameras also help to fill in the blanks, but the story itself includes regular film shots so that we can actually see what’s going on.

The found footage in this case gives it a rawer feel without making it feel entirely home cooked or nauseating. It also gives the whole piece more of the feel of walking into people’s lives rather than the film being based around them.

The Characters

For me, one of the most important things in any story is the characters. In a number of reviews, folks have described them as wooden or forgettable. For whatever reason, I actually liked the characters. Will they stand the test of time and be some of the most beloved upon whom I fondly dwell? No. But I enjoyed them more than I enjoyed the characters in Twister, 2012, and other disaster films. In some cases, yes, the dialogue was quite wooden, and it just didn’t sound natural for the characters to even be having those conversations. One conversation that takes place in a church feels particularly stilted and obligatory (though there’s some interesting symbolism in the survivors fleeing into a church when a spiraling fire tornado attacks; that particular tornado struck me as a horrifying representation of a possibility for hell).

Fire Tornado — As if a tornado isn’t scary enough…

The weaknesses in the characters and in the story itself can generally be traced back to the screenwriting. At times, it felt as if the story and dialogue just needed to go through the editing process a few more times to really polish it up.

In general though, the characters felt believable enough to me. Donnie is somewhat shy and awkward, uncertain how to pursue his love interest, Kaitlyn. Kaitlyn suffers the most from no character development. She is clearly just there to serve the purpose of getting Donnie to a particular place and provide an emotional scene. Yet Alycia Carey who played her did not do a bad job with the character. All of the actors actually did quite well with what they were given to work with, and in some cases, that wasn’t much. There’s one scene in particular between Donnie and Kaitlyn when they think they’re nearing their end that is particularly good. The emotion conveyed through the eyes is quite believable. Donnie’s message to his father and brother particularly so.

Trey has gained a fair amount of criticism as well. But I actually liked his character quite a bit. He reminds me of a number of young boys I’ve met. A little on the snarky smart aleck side with his own agenda and yet still that little bit of sweetness. Granted, I might have been grinning because I kept thinking of other students I know who are like him. Plus the kid always had a knife on him, despite his father forbidding it. And it works well for an ongoing joke as well as a resolution to some of the problems.

Captain Ahab, I Mean Peter — Captain Ahab, I presume

The storm chasers aren’t enormously developed. In fact, they are probably the most clichéd of the characters with the exception of Allison. Peter is essentially a Captain Ahab out to get his white whale, the tornado. And the others are there to serve as cameramen and tornado fodder.

Allison, played by Sarah Wayne Callies, does a nice job playing the research analyst who has had to give up time with her five year old daughter to work. She isn’t annoying, she doesn’t have a chip on her shoulder, and she has her work cut out for her. She carries herself with a quiet weariness that makes it feel as if she is a person who just happened to get caught in this documentary.

Into the Storm Touching Moment — This would be the perfect moment to tell your dad practically anything, and he probably couldn’t be too angry with you. Hopefully. Maybe. Well, maybe not. You know what. Let’s not ruin the moment.

Another character who feels like he just happened to get caught in the middle of his regular life for the documentary is Gary, Donnie and Trey’s father. He’s played by Richard Armitage whom you’ve probably seen in The Hobbit. In the beginning, Gary really doesn’t have much time to participate because he is busy preparing for the graduation. The emotional moments and development come later, and the character is odd in that he seems to possess skills that aren’t really explained. In fairness, the film doesn’t do much to establish any characters’ abilities with the exception of Donnie and Trey’s filming talents and the storm chasers’ abilities to track storms. Some of the stoicness involved with Gary just strikes me as the character’s personality rather than bad acting or even bad writing necessarily. Though I will address some of the odder points in a special section with my own particular resolution.

And last but not least….let’s talk about the rednecks. Oh yes. They’ve received some fantastic outrage and criticism for being so 2D. But…um…I can’t be offended because…yeah…I know guys like this. The rednecks definitely made me smile a bit. Particularly their end. Sure, it’s cheesy. But I thoroughly enjoyed it. Sometimes the reason that there are stereotypes is because those stereotypes are true.

Tell me you haven't met guys like this.... — Tell me you haven’t met guys like this….

Not necessarily something you should aspire to, but if you’ve lived in this area, I’m sure you have met one or two people who fit into that redneck category.

For me, the characters in this movie were far and above more likeable and connectable than in Godzilla or Transformers 4: Age of Extinction or the other disaster films. In one scene involving a near trapped drowning, I knew there was no way that they were going to let those characters die. But it still got me on the edge of my seat as did the points when the tornado chased them. (Sometimes I did wonder whether the tornado was hunting them. I could swear these disasters get a scent of our main characters and then decide they want to finish them off, whatever the cost.)

Cliches

This film relies heavily on clichés. In fact, I was able to successfully predict just about everything, but that didn’t detract from my enjoyment. Some of the clichés such as the black friend who vanishes as soon as the white friend he is supporting dies bothered me more than others. Cliches such as the last minute rescue and the overly strict dad with free spirited boys actually work for the story.

But more than that, the writers didn’t force some of the other clichés on there. Spoiler alert here, but I fully expected them to shoehorn in a romance between Gary and Allison. It was perfectly set up for that. Single father with two sons meets single mother with adorable little girl. How could it not turn out that way? In most other films, it would have. But not here. While there’s certainly chemistry between Allison and Gary for the limited time when that’s a possibility, nothing happens except for that connection. They then move on. It’s certainly a possibility that something might happen between them later, but it’s not rubbed in your face.

At the end of the day, this film wants to be a happy disaster film. It ends on a fairly high note with interviews being redone for the time capsule. Probably unrealistic given what they all endured, but still serving to remind the viewer to live each day like it might be your last because one day it will be. So cheesy at points, yes. Hokey at others, absolutely. Enjoyable overall, most definitely.

My Brilliant Theory About Why the Vice Principal Could Be The Way He Is

All right. Gary, the vice principal and one of the main characters in the movie, is a rather intriguing character. It’s not that he’s unbelievable. Such a character could certainly exist, but particular circumstances would need to exist to give rise to that character. In addition to being in excellent condition for a single father of two boys while also serving as a vice principal, he never freaks out and he always knows what to do. (In fact, in one scene, I could swear he was about to punch the tornado rather than let it drag off an innocent victim.)

In all fairness, not much is revealed about Gary’s background or his past or why he is the way that he is. All that we know for certain is that his wife died and he is raising his two sons alone. However, I have a theory. See, most of the time, when folks are this calm, they have been through exceptionally stressful circumstances before and perhaps even received training.

Now Richard Armitage played another character known as Lucas North in MI-5 or Spooks.

Lucas North who also looks like he might punch a tornado if it aggravated him sufficiently.

At the conclusion of Season 9, Lucas goes rogue and appears to commit suicide. Yet clearly, he did not.

He either fell through an anomaly (ala Primeval) or the Doctor (Doctor Who) picked him up and gave him a lift to small town Oklahoma

Tardis — This is my favorite theory by far! Yay for the Doctor!

where he married a nurse and adopted her two sons. His skills as a top notch MI-5 agent assisted in his getting as far as vice principal and later on helped him handle the myriad of emergencies that Into the Storm dragged up. It also explains the British accent that keeps fighting to get out of the American accent all the way through. And the fact is that Richard Armitage, while a very talented actor, just does better speaking normally. Some accents are easier to mimic than others, and an Oklahoma accent certainly isn’t one of them.

General Conclusions

I really enjoyed this film. It certainly has its weaknesses, but it also offered a fun ride.

It ended just when it needed to end, clocking in at just under an hour and a half. It’s nothing enormous and grand. It’s just a fun story that’s intended to entertain. And maybe convince you that tornadoes are dangerous. Just in case, you know, you had any doubts.

Happy Birthday, Dad

Published by Jessica on August 18, 2014

I have been planning to do a series of blog posts looking at the individuals who have influenced and encouraged my writing. The Tue-Rah series would actually be the primary focus, of course. And while I will certainly cover him once again when I reach that point in the Those to Whom I Am Grateful series, I would be remiss if I didn’t give a little preview right now.

My wonderful parents, Rob and Chele Butler on Motorcycle Sunday

Today is my father’s birthday. Yes, ring the bells, everyone. This is the day on which my father was welcomed into the world in a little hospital down in Texas on a warm summer’s morning.

Trying to recount what my father means to me and how much he has impacted me is almost impossible because the man has not ever pulled back from the unenviable task of being my father. And from a very young age, I found ways to test his patience and his resolve. Supposedly I had some sort of mental alarm that would trigger whenever he left the house, and I would treat my mother to siren like shrieks, bewailing his absence. (While I’m at it, it should also be noted that my mother’s patience is that of a saint!) And when he was home, I wanted nothing more than to follow him and know every detail of what he was doing. Supposedly I started talking at about 9 months and one of my early phrases was “what doin’?” I don’t ever recall him becoming angry with me for persisting with questions, and he never told me that I was too young to be asking the questions I asked.

One of the first things that stands out to me about my father is his faith and the way that he has always walked in line with that faith. One of my earliest memories of him was when I was about six years old. Mom and Dad were always telling us Bible stories. I remember the parable of the Good Samaritan and Daniel in the Lion’s Den best of all. On this particular day, we were in the old brown station wagon on our way to Richmond. The roads were slick with ice, and my sister and I entertained ourselves by drawing pictures on the windows (Dad didn’t want us to, which is why the game was fun; we had to see whether he would notice it). Then all at once, Dad pulled the car off to the side of the road.

A couple in an old blue pickup truck had pulled off along the embankment. A thin layer of snow already covered the roof and the hood. Hopping out of the station wagon, Dad went to see what the problem was. As it turned out, the couple had run out of gas. Dad didn’t hesitate. He invited them to get in the car with us. My little sister and I hopped into the back while my mother got out the spare blankets. The couple had been out in the cold for almost four hours.

When we reached the gas station, my dad purchased a large red container and filled it up with gas. The fumes made me want to gag, but there was no other way to get it back to the pickup truck. He and Mom both offered to take them out to a nicer restaurant or some place similar, but the couple insisted that they had to get back on the road. So Dad bought one of those stop and go pepperoni and sausage pizzas and an extra blanket. He then drove them back to the pickup truck and filled up their tank.

It was then that Dad noticed that the young man did not have any gloves though the young woman did. Even though it was cold and the snow started falling in thick clumps, my dad took off his black gloves, put them in the young man’s hands, and insisted he take them. The young man tried to pay him, but Dad refused.

After making sure they had everything they needed, Dad then got back in the station wagon and took us home. It was a long drive back, and the heating in the station wagon wasn’t that great. That was part of the reason that we had blankets and such in the car. But Dad didn’t complain. A few times I saw him warming his hands. My sister and I got back up in our seats, and we asked him, “Why did you give him your gloves when you knew you were going to be cold?”

Dad didn’t give us a long sermon. All he said was “it’s what Jesus would have done. It’s what I would have done for Jesus.” As a child, I accepted that. It wasn’t until I was an adult that I realized what a great thing my dad had done. See…at the time this happened, money was very tight. My dad was trying to run his own business from the house, and we had recently learned that my baby brother was autistic. Eating fast food wasn’t something we could afford. In fact, according to my journals, at the time, the only thing in the pantry at home was bread, peanut butter, and homemade jelly plus some pasta and raisins. But neither of my parents hesitated to be generous, and now more than twenty years later, I still remember that.

I could tell you many more stories. But I think I shall just end this post saying that I have been enormously blessed by my father as well as inspired by him. I thank God each day that he is my father, and I pray that this day will be particularly blessed for him as well as this year.

P.S. to anyone who is freaked out that I could remember so much from when I was just a little girl, don’t be. I kept very detailed journals, and I always kept my journal with me. 🙂

A Sad Conclusion to a Difficult Week

Published by Jessica on August 17, 2014

It has been a difficult week. I can’t go into all the details because of others’ privacy and family requests, but several individuals who meant quite a great deal to me and to my family passed away. Some in accidents. Some from cancer. The culmination in this week came on Thursday when I came down to discover my beloved little Attila was dead.

Three years ago, my husband and I purchased two orphan gerbils from different pet shops in celebration of our marriage and the start of our final year in law school. Attila was a slim blond gerbil with a white underbelly and large black eyes. He had a fierce disposition, and it took me almost two weeks to train him to come onto my hand without nipping me. At first, he dominated his adopted brother, Ghengis. We had to keep them separate for almost two months, trying to introduce them slowly. Playing with them. Holding them.

We split the large glass tank with chicken wire so that they could sniff each other and get used to one another’s scent. On weekends, we put them in a large tub with dried white sand to let them dig and play. By the end of the second month, the two were fast friends, though Attila was always the leader.

He was quite healthy as well. In fact, his strength proved to be a bit of a problem as he would often rearrange the tank in hazardous ways. He never showed any signs of illness, but on August 14, I found him on his side, motionless. As soon as I saw him, I knew he had passed. He was over three years old, and I had just cared for him the night before. I hope that it was quick and painless. His little body had already gone cold when James and I wrapped him up and took him out for burial.

Ghengis did not cope well with the death. Ghengis was always quieter and more timid than Attila, though he was a little fighter in his own right. When we found him at the pet store, he was a little on the sickly side. According to the pet shop worker, he had been alone for a couple weeks, which really isn’t good for gerbils. Someone had bought up two of his brothers, but she didn’t have room for a third gerbil. (On a side note, if you are ever purchasing gerbils, please don’t ever just leave one behind. It can be so challenging to reintroduce them to other gerbils, and yet they are social creatures.) The worker might have been playing on my sympathies, but regardless, we took little Ghengis home. He was about half Attila’s side with dark brown fur on the top with a black undercoat and grey stomach. His black eyes were a bit softer than Attila’s, but he was just as smart.

He swiftly decided that he liked being snuggled. It only took a few days to convince him that sitting on a hand was an excellent way to receive sunflower seeds and yogurt chips, two of his favorites. For the first few weeks, he was quite intimidated by Attila, yet he often crept along the side of the chicken wire to curl up alongside him while Attila slept. Though at first Attila responded harshly on the other side of the wire, he soon stooped protesting.

Sadly, little Ghengis struggled with his stomach for most of his life. The scent glands gerbils have on their stomachs sometimes become enflamed, and they may even rupture. Over the past few months, Ghengis’s glands had become severely enflamed, bleeding and seeping. We took him to the vet to get the necessary medication. He took it well. Whenever he lay down to sleep, particularly when he was recovering from the fever, Attila curled up on top of him and kept him warm. It seemed like Ghengis was recovering. But two days before Attila died, Ghengis stopped eating.

I couldn’t tempt him with anything. Yogurt chips and sunflower seeds no longer drew his attention. Attila had never enjoyed special treats, but that had been the one guaranteed way to draw Ghengis out from the lower tunnels. When I found Attila in the tank, Ghengis sat in the corner next to him, hunched up, his little head bowed.

After we returned from buying Attila, Ghengis became even more withdrawn. He retreated into an empty oatmeal container and refused to come out for food or anything. Even when it was time to give him his medicine, I couldn’t retrieve him. He remained in hiding for a full day, and I allowed it. I knew he needed to grieve, and I knew from talking to other gerbil owners that the loss of a cage mate is particularly traumatizing. But when the following day rolled around, I knew he had to be treated.

When I at last coaxed Ghengis out, he could barely walk. He had been chewing on his paws and his stomach. He’d also scratched his eye. My heart dropped when I saw him. He seemed to have deteriorated overnight. Tears choking me, I called the vet at once and then prepared a small box. Deep down, I knew what this meant. James scooped him up, and we took him to the vet.

The vet told us what we already feared. Ghengis needed to be put down. Even though he had not eaten for only a few days, he had lost too much weight. That alone he might have returned from, but the biting and the stomach injuries were just too severe. I tried to hold Ghengis to comfort him, but he bit me five times. James tried to hold him then, but Ghengis bit him twice. (It really wasn’t as bad as it sounds. Ghengis wasn’t strong enough to do much more than slightly cut the skin.)

The vet held him and gave him the injection. Then he let me comfort Ghengis. All I could do was rub his head. But it was like I was saying goodbye to both Ghengis and Attila at once. It only took a couple minutes. And holding him to say goodbye, I felt myself starting to break.

Objectively, there’s no reason why this little bundle of fur should have been what broke me down. After all, I have watched others buried this week, received disappointing news that will have a far greater impact on mine and my family’s long term plans. Yet somehow…holding that tiny corpse made me weep more than anything else. I had been strong through everything else. Through writing the tributes, comforting the families, and reminiscing over old times as well as imagining the times never to be had. Maybe it’s because those points weren’t about me. There were other people there who needed to grieve and who were in far more pain. But when dealing with Ghengis and Attila, it was just my husband, myself, and the vet in a little sterile room.